running on empty

do your floors look like this?

do you have piles of laundry heaped in the hallways on top of the cardboard the contractors put down that also happens to be covered in a layer of dog fur? not to mention un-painted walls...

is your laundry basket not even closing because there is so much in it?

what about the dust? if you left corningware on top of your buffet for a few weeks would this happen when you removed it?

phew. me either. goodness, for a while there i was about to think i was a terrible housekeeper! but, thankfully those pictures are of my boss's house. this one is at her house too, she obviously wouldn't pass the white glove test.

 

tisk, tisk.

while we are on the subject of how AWFUL of a housekeeper my boss is,  let's also talk about what a slave driver she is. ugh. she sets unreasonable goals for me, she expects me to be perfect and gets crazy upset and disappointed in me when i am not, i think most of the time she forgets that i am just ONE person who also happens to have a family with young children and a husband that keeps long hours. she expects me to be able to function on just a few hours of sleep. she also expects me to be able to work my tail off for her but also keep house too. did i mention she doesn't even pay well? cheese louise, she can be a real pain in my arse some most all of the time.

well, while it is all fun and games to talk bad about my boss and how she is an absolute lunatic with crazy demands and expectations with no room for remembering that people are human, let's also be real.

i am self-employed.

ouch. i am my own worst critic/nightmare. i am that lady. i am that lady that sometimes want to make bad faces behind her back, call her ugly names, talk bad about her to my co-workers, and recently...want to walk up to her, put my hands on my hips and tell her i am sick and tired of her shiznit and quit. right then and there. 

i'd be terribly dishonest if i told you this was the first time. but then again, you ladies probably know that already. i was emailing back and forth with a girl that just started her own business of making these fabulous pony tail holders the other day and she was telling me how she hadn't gone to bed before midnight in weeks and was trying her hardest to be able to find a balance in it all. it dawned on me then that with 4 years under my belt, i should be able to have words of wisdom for her since i should have that balance down. but guess what, i didn't have one good piece of advice that i follow to give her. shame on me.

the majority of my issue is that i am not a quitter. i tend to be one of the stubbornest mules there ever was. hee-haw. as much as i thought this past week about taking down my etsy page, deactivating my facebook, and telling BG sayonara, etc i never did it. it was very tempting. especially on the days that i was literally S.T. Rugglin' trying to keep my head above water. but i am still here and am about to make attempt number 1,593,441 of figuring out a balance.

my graphic designer (who also moonlights as a fabulous friend of mine and genius) told me that i needed to set reasonable goals for myself. like 1 new pattern every 3 months. that way i wouldn't feel so rushed and pushed to have it perfect right then and there. and you know what, i think she is on to something. that will be goal #1. never again will i debut new patterns back to back to back. i am surprised my family is still speaking to me. not to mention my beloved pink compass that got thrown across the room and stomped on in a moment of temper tantrums.

goal #2 is to work on researching a new site that offers instant downloads for patterns via etsy. i think if i could have those patterns automatically emailed out, i would find that extra time wonderful in the balancing act. 

goal #3 is my fave, and one i am very good at, just ask my friends. being a shady lady. when i am shady, i tend to get lots more done. i am too easily distracted by facebook, crafty blogs, fabric sales, etc. 

goal #4 is something that is hard to do for any momma, not just one that runs a business too. make more time for ME. i want to do the things i enjoy without feeling guilty because i am not putting that extra time into BG. if i want to take the few hours that both kids are in school to take a book or magazine up to the coffee shop, drink some java and just sit - i need to do that. or, go buy shoes. or just go and wander target and try my hardest not to find trouble. instead, i spend that "me" time drafting, stressing, pdf-ing, stressing, etc. 

if i had a dime for each time i "rebalanced" myself with brownie-goose, i could probably pay to hire someone to figure it out for me. i do really well sometimes, and then i just get off track and fall victim to my crazy-alpha female design side. i like her, in small doses - but she can be very overbearing at times. this last time i wanted to poke out her eyeballs. when i made the decision to grade for larger sizes, i made the investment of purchasing standardized charts to use in addition to my measurement charts to make sure i was good to go. i had NO clue going into it how much more work, stress, figuring, etc it would add to the drafting phase. and even worse, the changes i have to make after i get them back from testing. you see, before - all the sizes i published i had tested them out myself on my collections. i am sort of driving blind with these larger sizes and they've been kicking my boootay in all honesty!

so, over the next week or so i will be starting this new balancing act. i got up this morning, put on my big girl panties (and my cleaning gloves, i mean...gross - you saw my house) and am going to turn the tables on my boss. it is time to let the dog wag the tail!

thanks for sticking by me through all of my moments, good and bad. thanks for being patient and understanding. thanks for being there. and most of all - i need to thank you in advance for holding me to my new goals! i put on my facebook over the weekend how there would be no new debuts this week. that hasn't changed. i have the henry/henrietta pant at the testers and the new/revised hattie at the testers as well, so be on the lookout for those maybe next week?? it all depends on how well i am doing at ruling my boss. :)